Aging with RAZ

Long-distance caregiving: Telephone empathy skills

We all want connections with our loved ones. But how do we keep the relationship alive when we are long distance caregivers? Use your phone calls.
But my loved one is changing, and I can’t connect with them the same way. What am I supposed to do?

Understand how to connect: When you call, speak slowly, clearly, warmly, and enunciate.
As the disease progresses your loved one experiences worsening tinnitus. It makes it difficult for them to process what you say. Once they reach the early moderate stage, it may take up to 30 seconds for them to process what you are saying and form a response.

Their response times will increase as the disease progresses. Pause your conversation so they can think and speak. Be aware, farther into the disease, they may be answering questions from 10 minutes ago, but you’ve moved on. Listen for clues.

Avoiding telephone time outs:
A telephone time out is when your loved one walks away from the phone in the middle of the conversation leaving you hanging. You weren’t connecting with them.

Potential triggers are correcting or arguing or open-ended questions. For example, when they tell you a story. Truth is a matter of perspective, it’s their story. Enjoy the work of fiction they may be presenting and the moment you are sharing. Embrace the moment like you’re playing the classic Telephone Game… Facts change in a whisper.

➡️ Avoid using words like ‘remember when’, ‘do you remember,’ or ‘you remember (insert noun here).’
↪️ Instead use, ‘I remember when…’ when recalling memories. It relieves them of having to remember.

➡️ As your loved one gets farther into the disease stop using open ended questions like ‘What did you do today?’
↪️ Instead redirect them to a topic that will hold their interest. For example, singing songs from their childhood together.

If they mumble on the phone to you, gently repeat the same sounds back to them. You may be surprised by their response when they realize you are paying attention to them. It may be the first time in a long time anyone made the time to make them feel heard.

We all want to feel heard.